*It's meant as a comedic, sarcastic, rude, but serious approach to this "Phenomenon". I'm looking to see if other's feel the same, or if there is another side of it. and I'm just bitter.*

Article has been edited for some of the more graphic accusations and descriptions.


We’ve all been there. It is hard not to at this point in time. This day and age. A movie comes out, it is offered in two different flavors: Normal and 3D. They may call it RealD, Disney Digital 3D, etc, but we know it for what it is, A GIANT WASTE OF MONEY! Yes, I just said digital 3D is a complete waste of hard earned money.

Let’s be honest. Going to the cinema to watch a fresh, new abortive reboot of an existing franchise is no fun. The ticket prices are rather expensive. They make no effort to hide their intentions of robbing you at the concessions stand. The only thing that is missing is a mask and a gun.

Then you get to your seat and it is either too flimsy, or just locked. The cupholder is non-existent; you place your cup in and it will attempt to fall through and lock itself tightly to the damn chair arm. Every chair around you reclines comfortably while you…lucky you…you’re stuck completely up right. Each time you adjust your feet, get up and walk out to piss, or just switch seats because there are quite a number of idiots nattering on about any/everything, the thick, syrupy substance has you vacuum sealed to the floor. Or, alternatively, you better be able to skate across the thin layer of buttery flavored liquefied fat.

Either way, you end up in your ill fitted, over-priced seat to watch a film that is in some form of 3D, which they will no doubt screw the pooch on, and you look down in your hand only to see a set of 3D Glasses.

They come in two types:



The packaged, cheap and most likely warped polarized glasses. You risk damaging the glasses when you try and open the package. The bag they come in seem to be made out of a better quality material than the damn glasses themselves. Most likely they will not sit on your face properly due to a slight warp that is probably made into the mold to aggravate you. The bonus with this style is the fact that it is a one-time use thing, and afterward the user can recycle or keep them. Hygienic.

Unlike:



This Active glasses are more beefy, and higher quality. They hand a pair of these, and a small, moist towlette. That isn’t moist. When you open the foil packet, sand falls out. God help you if you try and clean those lenses and the damn rest of the glasses. Even if you do manage to get a damn wet-nap that is wet, you only end up smearing the ooze on the lenses around. You don’t know what that ooze is. Could be from the sugary candy, and liquid fat butter substitute that coated the child’s hands the had the pair before you. OR! It may be from the teenager’s hands whom where using a Theater Date as an excuse for a quick grope session. Yes, you may shudder now.

The couple could be 14, or they could be 44. You’ll never know. Personally, I’m figuring we should torch the whole cart full just to be on the safe side.

Both sets of glasses are bull**** in the fact that they assume that the user has perfect to alright vision, or wears contacts. Last time I checked, douchebags, there are MILLIONS that wear glasses. Yes, your glasses are large, but it makes it really difficult to watch movies when YOU CAN’T SEE ****!!!! I have two options for you: Make an attachment that clips onto the glasses on the arms of the glasses and places a polarize (active would also work in this form!!!) set of glasses over top the existing RX Glasses. Alternatively, make a decent sized Polarized film that could static cling over a set of Lenses. Offer them in a small pack with a wet nap.

You alienate your audiences enough with excuses to mark up ticket prices, don’t punish your glasses wearing public anymore!

Now, onto the bull**** as it exists: “3D” movies aren’t really 3D movies. Sure you can see **** pop out at you. Sad thing is, most of the times, the best use of the technology is the previews, and the intro. The rest of the movie, you see a bit of **** flying out, and most of it popping out. The real meat of the 3D experience is just scenery or **** of no consequence.

Every movie seems to have a 3D option these days. Even movies that have no business being in 3D are in 3D. If you want to see 3D done right, watch an animated film. The majority are done properly and utilize it quite well. However, for every winner, we have a Gnomeo and Juliette. Decent kids movie? Sure. 3D? Waste of money!

Transformers. 3D. When you think of it you expect to see and “feel” laser shots, ion cannons, energon swords, giant ****ing robot fists flying every which way out of the screen. Ducking down to avoid a giant cybertronian foot from crushing your face as it sweeps by. You get wet in your pants thinking about all the carnage that will take place. Shudder with delight at all the robotic fisticuffs that will “fall out of the screen” at you. Watching all the car chases and wrecks, smoke plumes leaking out of the screen, surprising that you’re not choking to death. Yes, all that, we imagine.

Unlike the giant money soak it will be in reality. You put the glasses on, and see bits and pieces of scenery and overall just an ENHANCED DEPTH PERCEPTION. Yes. All the ****ing 3D tech is right now is a slightly enhanced version of your existing depth perception.

They sell it like it is the cure to vision cancer, though. You have a new movie coming out? You better put it out in 3D as well otherwise it will not sell as many tickets. Tell me, would you like to see The Passion of the Christ in 3D? I am willing to bet that if it were to be released today, it would be dropped in 3D as well. Why? Because the d-bags want money! We’d maybe be able to even get the cheap glasses with crosses embossed on the sides. Why? Because they’d tag on an extra two bucks and people would pay it, and only have to put out more lackluster “effects”.

Yeah, it's possible to put a film into 3D, but so is giving yourself a circumcision under local.

*Note* I also noticed that the graphic word for excrement was the word of choice for this post.

I work at a movie theatre. I just have one thing to say:

You do not risk breaking the RealD3D glasses trying to open it.

I completely agree with everything you just said Fullstop; 3D needs to be glasses-free before they start shoving it down our throats!

On Topic: Very good article, i agree with you. I'm just not a fan of the glasses.

This is hillarious! You should write a rant column for a newspaper or something. Althought I'd have to agree with GwJumpman that the Real3D glasses are not that easily broken. I have kept the three that I've paid for going to see movies only to find out that I can't use them until I get an actual 3D tv, which wont happen any years soon, lol. But I heart your rant!!!

Your Reald3D glasses won't work on a 3D TV unless it's a Reald3D TV.

Figures... lol. To the trash they go!!

I freely admit, I embellished the RealD packages and their glasses contents. They are some rather robust items for something that is destined for the bin. They get a bonus for the hygienic factor.

All in all, I still say my biggest gripe is the lack of consideration for glasses wearing public. I think I may take it upon myself to modify a set of RealD specs to attach to my frames.

...and thank you for the compliments.

You are very welcome. I do wish these glasses would work with any 3D though. I kinda feel ripped off having to pay extra and not even be able to use the glasses I paid for the first time every time I come back. Must protest! XD.

That was tl;dr for me, but I will say in Australia 3D failed, they cut 3D from the airways here because they didn't deem it popular enough. I was glad I didn't buy a 3D tv, I thought it was gonna be a failure.